— Nicholas Morine
Christmas Will Never Be The Same (After you read this article!)
Look, all of us love Christmas and the Christmas season.
If you don’t, you’d best stick around just in case; there are a few things you might learn here that you can use against the perpetually merry who irritate you at a holiday party.
Now — just because we all love Christmas doesn’t mean that the holiday doesn’t have some serious flaws… aside from the rampant commercialism and materialism that has begun to dominate the spirit of the season. Just because we all have an addiction to shiny presents and amazing turkey dinners with homemade stuffing doesn’t mean that Christmas stops there.
Oh no. Christmas goes a lot deeper than that in some countries, for some people. Dark places. Scary places. At times, bathroom places.
And with that teaser, let’s get down to the butter and potatoes of this argument. Consider this, Christmas fans — the strangest Christmastime traditions you’ve ever seen from all across the world.
Krampus (see above):
The Krampus is the King of Weird Christmas Traditions.
There is honestly no way that things could get any more bizarre than the legendary Christmas Krampus, a beast of legend who would terrorize the children of the villages of Austria, Bavaria, Croatia, Hungary, and other nations near the beginning of the month of December.
Demonic and wild in appearance, with thick animal fur and large, evil eyes, the Krampus cuts a rather impressive figure. Downright terrifying as an epic bogeyman for generations, the Krampus threatened to whip children and to carry them away on a sack in his back to his lair, or worse, to the underworld.
In more common practice (and perhaps much more interesting), the Krampus tradition continues to be highly controversial in many Alpine nations, as young men are encouraged to take to the streets, fueled by alcohol and with a thirst for mischief. We’re not sure which is more frightening — the myth or the real-world tradition!
KFC is BIG in Japan (for Christmas)
Yea, we don’t get it either. Fried chicken for Christmas sounds great and all, and of course the gravy is consistent with what we all might imagine at the festive dinner, but doesn’t this really prove the strength of modern marketing?
Turns out that in the mid-seventies, a group of western expats in Japan was having great difficulty finding their turkey for Christmas dinner and settled for fried chicken instead. A lightbulb went off at KFC in Japan and they immediately started a huge advertorial campaign, complete witha bottle of wine to aid the digestion.
Nowadays the commercials may be more modern:
But they still reflect the absolute joy with which the Japanese celebrate their marriage of fried chicken and Christmas cheer. Weird? Yes. Understandable? Also yes.
The Christmas Pickle
Okay, this one isn’t really that weird. In fact, more and more of these festive brined cucumbers are showing up on Christmas trees every year as word of mouth delivers the news.
The original story surrounding the Christmas Pickle relates to, well, absolutely nothing; but it’s quite clear that the real reason it’s such a smash hit is because it’s straight funny! Who doesn’t want a Christmas Pickle? — I think that’s the better question.
Inexpensive, amusing, memorable, and usually offering a secret present from Santa to whomever is the luckiest to find it first, this tradition may be a bit weird but it’s still modern enough to start up with this year.
Tio de Nadal: A Very Special Yule Log
This one takes the cake; and you’d best not be eating one at the moment or you’d might prefer to set it down a moment. The Tio de Nadal is a radically different take on your traditional “yule log”.
For you see, the Tio de Nadal is a longstanding Catalonian tradition of finding a 30cm hollow log, placing a broad grinning smile on one end, and ensuring that the tiny little log stays fed every night. Children or adults will also place a blanket over the Tio to ensure that it stays warm overnight.
Things get even stranger when the time comes for the Tio de Nadal log to perform its ritual duty, “pooping” presents (quite literally, though even stronger language is used in the original Catalan) from its rear while children beat upon it with sticks while singing songs about the process.
When we say it’s the thought that counts, do we mean the spirit behind this Catalonian tradition? The candy excreted by the log is to be shared amongst all present, and there is a great amount of imagination involved. Maybe that makes up for the rest of it; or maybe it doesn’t; not content with the oddity of the Tio de Nadal log, the very same bodily function is expressed in the local nativity scene, by the character of the Caganer.
Yes, some Catalonian nativity scenes feature a figure dropping trou and celebrating in the same fashion as our Tio de Nadal log — and no, it’s not considered offensive — in fact, the locals take it with a great helping of good cheer and good humour.
Still, we can’t recommend any DIY improvements to the office nativity scene (or at home) without asking the boss first. Perhaps it’s best not to ask at all.
Yes, these are all serious traditions, and not jokes
While some of the above traditions, or perhaps all if you happen to be a perennial practical joker, may seem downright scary or offensive, the truth is that humour and laughter are the true binding agent to all holidays. Who ever heard of a deadpan serious Christmas that didn’t involve passive-agressive arguments at the dinner table or a social faux-pas that ruined the entire evening?
We don’t want to hang out with those sorts, and we’re sure that you don’t either. For that very reason we should celebrate these quirky, strange, and downright deranged Christmas fashions for their bizarrest qualities. The funnier, the better. Absurdly awesome.
We’re sure that Saint Nick would approve; at least one of us does.
Merry Christmas Pickle, from all of us at London Glossy!
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